Fear

If you had asked me 10 years ago if I was a fearful person, I probably would have said, "No," without even thinking twice. In fact, I remember someone in the small group we joined saying that she was controlled by fear. I had no idea what that was like and thought, Wow--too bad for her!

Now, 10 years later, with so many more balls in the air, I realize that I often find myself gripped with fear. I would still not say that I'm necessarily "controlled" by it, but I do know that I live in the shadow of it. I like the verse "When I am afraid, I will trust in you [God]," Ps. 56:3, because it comforts my heart. The kids learned it in Sunday School, but I think I speak it into my heart more than often than they do.

So what do I fear? On the lighter side, I fear that Grant will never learn to reliably use the toilet. On the more serious side, I fear that something will happen to my husband or my kids. I think part of the problem is that I hear these stories about people I know whose spouses have died in car accidents or in house fires--and they are our age! Or I hear about a stage collapsing at the Indiana State Fair or a tornado hitting a town. Or I think about an acquaintance from college who has two kids with a degenerative neurological disease. It just makes me think about what would I do if something happened to my family.

I bring all of this up because in just a few hours Jack will be meeting his new teacher in his new class in his new school. There is just so much "new" stuff. I fear that his teacher will not be caring or encouraging or will not even know my son. I fear that the children in his class will not want to be his friend or that he will not want to be their friend. I know what elementary school is like, and I know that teachers become overwhelmed, especially when there are a lot of children in a class. I just hate to think that my baby will be one of the many. It is enough to make me seriously think about homeschooling--if only I didn't fear the massive conflicts that would result from that!

So here I sit--about to meet the person who will be a huge influence on my child for the next 9 months. All I can do is trust that God is in control and continue to pray for the teacher, the other students, and my son. Is it too late to come up with a Plan B, though?